Week 1: @ Arizona Cardinals
Kevin Kolb finally realizes how big of a mistake it was going to Arizona as Bruce Irvin sacks him 12 times while foaming at the mouth.
SEA 23, ARI 13 (1-0)
Week 2: Dallas Cowboys
Tony Romo hides in a CenturyLink Field bathroom stall with the thought of seeing Terrell Owens again.
SEA 27, DAL 23 (2-0)
Week 3: Green Bay
Richard Sherman makes a comment about Brett Farve, which causes Aaron Rodgers to burst into a fit of rage.
SEA 13, GB 34 (2-1)
Week 4: @ St. Louis Rams
Los Angeles decides to annex the Rams during the middle of the game. Luckily, all the players escape as the roof gets caved in Kingdome style.
SEA 24, STL 10 (3-1)
Week 5: @ Carolina Panthers
After winning a fist fight with Dwight Howard on who gets the rights to be called “Superman,” Cam Newton feels empowered and crushes everybody.
SEA 18, CAR 27 (3-2)
Week 6: New England Patriots
After helping out the team chemistry by getting his teammates hooked on LuLuLemon and UGGs apparel, Tom Brady and the Patriots become unstoppable.
SEA 20, NE 38 (3-3)
Week 7: @ San Francisco 49ers
Jim Harbaugh breaks Pete Carroll’s hand using his deadly post-game handshake.
SEA 14, SF 17 (3-4)
Week 8: @ Detroit Lions
Ndamukong Suh gets so mad at Matt Flynn that he stomps the ground with enough force that he breaks his own ankle.
SEA 31, DET 27 (4-4)
Week 9: Minnesota Vikings
Christian Ponder ponders about things for too long, resulting in a loss. (I’ll be here all week, folks)
SEA 34, MIN 13(5-4)
Week 10: New York Jets
Rex Ryan can’t control himself when he sees the Top Pot donut shop in Bellevue, passes out from so many maple bars.
SEA 24, NYJ 22 (6-4)
Week 11: Bye
While picking up his newly washed khaki pants, Pete Carroll sees Mike Williams at the local McDonald’s.
Week 12: @ Miami Dolphins
Marshawn Lynch convinces everyone that he can drive a couple guys out to Miami Beach on a Saturday night. Anticipating this, Pete Carroll strategically slashes Marshawn’s tires.
SEA 23, MIA 17 (7-4)
Week 13: @ Chicago Bears
It becomes so cold that John Schneider’s now red cheeks literally come off.
SEA 14, CHI 31 (7-5)
Week 14: Arizona Cardinals
The Seahawks weren’t who the Cardinals thought they were.
SEA 29, ARZ 23 (8-5)
Week 15: @ Buffalo Bills
Terrell Owens second return to Buffalo isn’t as triumphant as the first.
SEA 16, BUF 21 (8-6)
Week 16: San Francisco 49ers
Pete Carroll is prepared this time and sends out one of his assistants to shake Jim Harbaugh’s hand.
SEA 21, SF 13 (9-6)
Week 17: St. Louis Rams
Sam Bradford has nightmares about the last time he finished his season at CenturyLink Field and decides not to fly up for the game. Plus, he’s liking Los Angeles at this point. Why leave?
SEA 32, STL 10 (10-6, Win NFC West)
- Nathan Parsons (@nathanparsons98)